woodlander | IC Contact

Yeah, so am I.

[ he sighs, he has to remind himself it's over now. it's done. he just can't let peter out of his sights like that again. ]

He's... he's good, luv. Ta for asking.

You did not go with him.

Why not, when he means so much?

[ Don't play with her, Spike. It's clear you care about him. ]

Because... [ there's no bloody excuse for leaving pete in the lurch and he knows it. peter may not hold it against him, but he should.

spike leaves a very audible sigh. ] Because I suck at this.

[ She sounds thoughtful, curious, and entirely non-judgmental. ]

At what? Fighting beside him?

At... caring. [ too much, sometimes. so much so he went into hardcore denial and shutdown mode at the worst possible times (sometimes). ] At having friends.

[ let alone more. ]

So you let him go alone, and then let yourself fear for him.

[ Not sensible, Spike. Not logical, either. But then emotions rarely are. ] Is it such a bad thing, to care for another?

[ not bad, he wants to say, just hard. ]

I'm a shitty boyfriend, alright? I'm trying to make up for it. [ but how could he even?? ]

[ Thoughtfully. ]

Is he angry with you?

[ there's a pause. ] No.

[ and that might be the worst part. ]

Then why do you worry about what you must make up to him?

[ She already thinks she knows the answer to that. Guilt isn’t predicated on a person’s anger. Spike’s the one punishing himself. ]

Your feelings are what matter. You should follow them, and then you will not regret what you do or do not do. In the end you must answer to yourself, no other.

[ his feelings. people kept saying that. before this place, though? no one had cared about spike's feelings. it's not a criticism of the people he'd surrounded himself with; he still loved them. but it's true: they didn't care. and maybe that's why he's so baffled by it now. ]

There's a first time for everything, I guess.

[ She pauses, surprised by that comment. ]

A first time to follow your feelings, or a first time to have them? [ The latter might explain some of his apparent discomfort with all of this. ]

A first time that they actually matter.

If that is so, then you should make it count. Does he feel the same for you?

Yeah. Yeah, he does.

Then you should worry less, and allow your feelings to take you where they will.

No harm came to him, Spike. The next time there is trouble, you will be there to ensure it yourself.

I told him to count on that. [ but it didn't really abate his guilt. still, tauriel had helped him put it in perspective. ]

He will count on you. That is only natural in your position.

[ She tries. She wouldn’t call herself any expert in relationships, not at all. In fact the idea of them makes her uncomfortable. Still, where others are concerned, she would counsel them to follow their hearts, and be concerned with nothing else. ]

And what position is that?

You love him.

[ Sorry, Spike, but your comfort zones are not in her mind right now. That’s the word that makes sense to her; that’s the word she’s using. ]

Thus you are bound to him. It is not unreasonable, to wish to protect him.

[ he wants to protest, even if it would certainly mean he doth protesteth too much. he still wants to even knowing full well she has his ticket. ]

Didn't say it was unreasonable, did I? But he can take care of himself.

[ Not while he was on the bridge, she thinks, but she doesn't say it. He feels guilty enough for that. ]

We do not always protect, just because someone is weak. Sometimes we protect even those who like it little, because we care for them. Sometimes, even when it is someone we should not think of at all.

They should hire you to write fortune cookies. [ but he seriously appreciates u, even if he's incapable of saying so. ]

You have some firsthand experience with this?

[ She pauses, just briefly, but it's a hesitation all the same. She hasn't spoken of this to anyone, least of all to her people here. They would not approve. They had not, at home, yet it is still the truth and she won't deny it. ]

I have.

Sometimes there is a choice to be made, a difference between what the heart knows to be right, and the strict order of duty. It is not always possible, to do both. Such a choice was not long ago before me.

I chose the heart, and would again, should the choice be mine once more.

And if your heart leads you down two separate paths? [ he feels like robert frost over here, jfc. but he already knows, he's made his choice.

and it's peter. ]

One day I'm going to get you to tell me that story in full.

[ She smiles at that. Perhaps she'd tell him. She's never hinted at it to anyone else, knowing the disapproval it would send her way from people who don't even really know her.

For now, she only sounds curious. ]

And does it? Lead you in distinct, separate directions?

Yeah, but... I've already got my answer.

Thanks, luv. I mean it.

I am glad, then. You are welcome.

See you in the gardens. [ most likely. he hangs up! ]

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